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This is actually faster than the real thing
TOPkek combines the intuitiveness of a 2003 Java applet with the speed of a carrier pigeon. Trusted by thousands of IT departments who had no say in the purchasing decision.
*Free trial requires 6 consultancy days to set up (billed separately at €1,200/day)
Everything you never wanted, delivered with maximum complexity
Our search engine uses advanced anti-pattern matching to ensure you never find what you're looking for. Searching for "printer"? Here are 2,000 results about "password resets" sorted by lunar phase.
Every click triggers a full page reload, a prayer to three separate databases, and a brief existential crisis. Our architecture ensures that making coffee between actions isn't just possible — it's recommended.
Create an incident in just 73 easy steps! Enjoy mandatory fields that appear only after submission fails, dropdowns with 4,000 entries, and categories nested 8 levels deep. Forgot to set the "impact" field? Start over.
A graveyard of outdated documentation from 2014, written by people who've long since left the company. Every article ends with "contact the service desk" — which is why the user was searching in the first place.
Technically it loads on a phone. That's where the mobile optimization ends. Enjoy horizontal scrolling, buttons that require a stylus, and a layout that looks like the desktop version had an allergic reaction.
Generate reports that would confuse even the person who created them. Export to CSV — but only if you have the "Advanced Reporting Module" (sold separately). The default graphs use colours indistinguishable to 80% of humans.
Submit a change request for replacing a mouse battery. Wait 3 weeks for CAB approval. Get denied because you forgot the "rollback plan" for the battery. Resubmit. Your manager's manager needs to approve. The mouse is now retired.
A sophisticated role-based access model where nobody can figure out why they can't see a ticket. Not even the admin. Especially not the admin. The permission matrix has more dimensions than string theory.
Watch in real-time as your SLA timers tick down! Pause them by changing status to "Waiting for Customer" even though you haven't contacted the customer. Everyone does it. The SLA dashboard shows 99.8% compliance. Nobody believes it.
Every email reply creates a new ticket instead of updating the existing one. CC someone? New ticket. Auto-reply from someone's vacation responder? Infinite ticket loop. Your queue now has 30,000 entries. You're welcome.
Empower your users to help themselves! The portal features a beautiful landing page that immediately redirects to the operator login screen. Users who somehow make it through will find 4 categories, none of which match their problem.
Are you an IT operator who also needs to submit a ticket for yourself? Too bad. You can't be logged into the self-service portal and be an operator at the same time. Pick a personality. You're either the hero or the victim — never both. Need to test what end users see? Log out, log into a completely separate portal, lose all your context, and pray your operator session doesn't expire in the meantime. It will.
Want a new tile on your dashboard? That'll be just 3 months! First, submit a change request. Then a consultant will schedule a "discovery session" to understand your tile needs. After 6 weeks of back-and-forth about requirements for a rectangle with a number in it, it'll enter the development queue. ETA? Q3. It's always Q3. The tile will show the wrong metric, but hey — it's there.
Connect TOPkek to your existing tools! Our REST API follows REST conventions the same way a toddler follows traffic laws. Rate-limited to 10 requests per minute. Documentation last updated in 2019. SOAP is also available, because of course it is.
How a simple "my monitor won't turn on" becomes a 3-week odyssey
"My monitor doesn't work."
Waits 45 seconds for the dashboard to load. Gets "Session Expired." Logs in again.
Fills in 23 mandatory fields. Gets error on field 24 which just appeared. Caller hangs up.
The dropdown had 200 operator groups. "Desktop Support" was between "Desktop Publishing" and "Desktop Sustainability."
Reassigned 7 times. Each team adds "Not our responsibility" and passes it on. SLA paused.
User plugged in the monitor themselves 2 weeks ago. Ticket closed as "Solved by TOPkek Self-Service." KPI: success.
An honest* assessment
| Feature | Modern ITSM Tool | TOPkek |
|---|---|---|
| Page load time | < 1 second | Yes |
| Creating a ticket | 2 minutes | 2 espressos |
| Search accuracy | Relevant results | Results (technically) |
| Mobile support | Native app | Zooming in a lot |
| UI last updated | 2024 | We don't talk about that |
| User satisfaction | 4.5/5 stars | Stockholm Syndrome |
| Implementation time | 2 weeks | 2 fiscal years |
| Documentation | Comprehensive | Archaeological dig |
| Customization | Drag and drop | Hire a consultant |
| New dashboard tile | 5 minutes | 3 months + a consultant |
| Operator submits own ticket | Same account | Identity crisis required |
*Honesty is subjective and not covered by our SLA
Just kidding. Here's a maze.
All prices exclude: implementation costs, consultancy, training, modules you actually need, the will to live, and applicable taxes.
Behind closed doors, when management isn't listening
"I've used TOPkek for 6 years. Not by choice. My therapist says the night terrors will eventually stop."
"Our management chose TOPkek because they saw a demo once. The demo environment had 3 tickets in it. We have 200,000. It's not the same experience."
"The self-service portal reduced our call volume by 0%. But it looks great in the quarterly report."
"I once lost a 500-word incident description because my session expired while I was looking up the correct sub-sub-category. I just stared at the screen for 10 minutes."
"TOPkek taught me patience, humility, and that Ctrl+A Ctrl+C before every form submission is a survival skill, not a habit."
"We spent 8 months and €180,000 on consultancy to configure it. Then they released an update and half our customizations broke. Good times."
"Exciting new features coming in Q3!" (It's always Q3)
47 pages. 44 are about "minor improvements." The 3 features you wanted are "planned for a future release."
Scheduled for Sunday 2 AM. Takes until Monday 3 PM. Your customizations? Gone. Reduced to atoms.
New UI that nobody asked for. The button you used 200 times a day has moved. Your muscle memory weeps. A new mandatory field has appeared.
That we'll answer as helpfully as our own knowledge base does
Absolutely! You just need to hire a certified TOPkek consultant (€1,200/day, minimum 5 days), submit a change request, wait for CAB approval, and sacrifice a goat under a full moon. Or you can add a single text field yourself and watch it disappear after the next update.
Our search is designed to build character. Have you tried searching by the exact ticket number, with the correct prefix, in the correct module, while standing on one leg? Also, make sure you're not accidentally searching in "archived" mode, which is the default for some reason.
Security! We protect your data by ensuring even you can't access it for more than 4 consecutive minutes. The session timeout is configurable if you have admin rights, know where the setting is hidden, and don't blink while saving.
In theory, yes. In practice, they'll click "New Request," be presented with a category tree deeper than their family genealogy, give up, and call the service desk anyway. The portal's main purpose is to exist in PowerPoint presentations.
We offer both cloud and on-premise solutions! The cloud version is slow because it's in the cloud. The on-premise version is slow because it's on your servers. True platform parity.
You can export to CSV! The file will contain mysterious column headers like "UNID_REF_47b" and "OBJ_CAT_LEGACY_v2." Dates will be in three different formats. Some fields will contain raw HTML. Enjoy your data migration.
Because this is a static HTML page without a Java backend doing 47 database joins per click, 3 layers of abstraction nobody remembers building, and a session manager that treats every request like a potential threat. You're welcome.
No. Absolutely not. What are you, two people? The system cannot comprehend that someone who fixes problems might also have problems. You must choose: are you the IT wizard or the helpless end user? Schrödinger had a cat, but even he couldn't be both an operator and a caller in TOPkek. Log out, switch portals, lose your context, lose your will, and log back in as a mortal.
Roughly the same time it takes to gestate a human child. You'll submit the request, attend 4 meetings, produce a requirements document for what is essentially "show me a number," and wait. Your colleague will have built the same thing in a spreadsheet by lunch. The spreadsheet will still be in use long after the tile is delivered. The tile will show the wrong number.
Join thousands of organizations who've accepted their fate.
*Implementation not included. Satisfaction not guaranteed. Sanity sold separately.